Although we were eventually able to prepare a stunning 8-carat German roach piece for Katie holmes, a horrible tragedy was only narrowly averted. In her haste to have it ready in time for the Emmys, Miss Holmes sent Xenu and three Thetans to our petrification facility by mistake. Tom Cruise intervened in the nick of time as the worst marriage of Scientology and Hollywood since Battlefield Earth was narrowly averted.